How much can you really blame a person for putting you through hell when you took their hand and willingly followed along?
Does stupidity on one person’s part excuse cruelty on another’s? Or nullify it in some way?
How do you know how much you should hold yourself accountable and blame yourself for putting yourself in such a vulnerable situation when you knew it was a terrible idea? Or does that teeter on the edge of thinking similarly to abused individuals where the wronged party is constantly justifying the abuser and blaming themselves?
F-k it. I guess it all comes back to not having control over any external situations or any other person… the only thing you can control is yourself and your reactions to thing. I’m the one who knew the repercussions and did it anyway.
FAIL.
The following are just some thoughts to chew on, for whatever they’re worth. Potentially free bad advice on the internet. Heh. Of course it goes without saying to take it all with a grain of salt, since I don’t know the specifics of your situation. I’ve picked up pieces here and there, naturally, but of course, only you can tell whether any of this could constructively apply to you. Hope at the very least, the outside perspective helps. Hang in there…
There probably is an answer to your question, but I’m not convinced it would be terribly useful. As with most conflicts, there probably is a correct percentage of blame that could be assigned to both parties, but finding the accurate ratio seems such a misguided effort. Depending on the balance, you’ll get either catharsis or grief, which, in and of themselves might motivate a certain progressive next step, but probably not likely considering the mindset questions like these come from.
You probably already hold yourself ascetically accountable in life, as it is. My guess is that you do. So that’s probably not an issue you need to work on, which renders your question here a bit misguided. So, what’s the right question, if it’s not who’s to blame? Maybe it concerns what you were truly after when you knowingly put yourself into a position that had a probable bad outcome? Here’s where you can go easy on yourself. Some of us might have masochistic tendencies, but, ultimately, I believe we all aim to survive. We’re masochists because we hold ourselves accountable to perhaps unreachable standards. Whatever it was you *were* after, was not the punishment that resulted. It was something else you desired, that probably *was* warranted and justified.
So, here’s my guess: You took the hand of, and willingly followed… something that promised to fulfill something else you felt was missing in your life. Something good and justified, and probably something that you are entitled to in your humanness. I don’t know what that is. Only you do, and maybe not even consciously right now. Was it comfort? Meaning? Purpose? Companionship? Security? Validation? Connectiveness? Appreciation? Affirmation? None of those things, but something else equally as valid? Unfortunately, whatever it was you were after, was attached to the likelihood of poor repercussions, but you were willing to gamble, because the truth of the matter, as with all of life, is that it really *could* have gone either way. The odds may have been against you, but you can’t really get down on yourself for taking a risk when you were actually just chasing something you probably needed at the time. Or maybe still do. And, of course you were! Masochistic as anyone might be, we don’t *pursue* something strictly for the grief it will cause. That’s always an after-effect, or an unintended consequence…
So I think the right question to ask isn’t who’s to blame, so much as it’s what you were *actually* chasing when you “took that person’s hand”. The good thing. The understandable, justified, warranted thing. The part that gets obscured now, for all the trouble that’s resulted. And then the next question regards whether that thing is still missing? Is it still something you’re after? Because, if it is, this whole experience has utility, afterall! You’re in a better place to assess how best to acquire it… or, at the very least, how NOT to acquire it… what DOESN’T work. So, maybe consider skipping the “Who?” (who’s to blame) and go straight to the “What?” (what did/do I need) and the “How?” (how do I better get it). And go easy on yourself. You’re probably in enough pain as it is dealing with the repercussions of the situation. That should be enough, so don’t add any more.
Ugh, Adie, - and I mean this in the highest of compliments - but this was something I had to step back from, and just let it sit with me for a bit before I attempted any type of response. Your words really… well, they struck a monster chord with me. They have so much truth in them, and your observations are so astute… Kinda freaked me out. (But in a good way, of course.)
Here’s where it gets really weird: my lifelong friend (read: best friend) and I were having a conversation about my “situation”, and I received two different perspectives from two entirely different people - one is a person whom knows me better than anyone, and the other from you: someone whom has never met me IRL and has limited knowledge of all the sordid details… Yet both of you were saying the same thing and sending the same message. Almost verbatim.
Blows my mind at times how connected we all are.
THANK YOU. I don’t know if you’re cognizant of just how much your words mean, but G-d Damn. If you don’t mind me asking, Woman, just what in the hell do you do for a living?
